Quick post. Take a gander at this:
To be honest, I'm very impressed by his candor. I might have given him the money if he had spelled "kidnapped" correctly. I would also like to know where you can take karate for $4.
This photo kind of inspires me. I might write a short story about it.
END OF LINE (or is it?)
I forgot my iPod today, so I created a quick 4th of July Playlist that I thought I would share with everyone. Even Picklez should be happy in that the list is composed mostly by recent songs...
I hope that everyone is doing great. I should be back soon to post some pictures from all of travels from the past few months.
Have a safe Holiday!
Picklez here, it has been awhile since I posted so I guess I'll get you caught up on all the news that's fit to blog.
Summer Camp
A couple of weeks ago I was at our karate style's annual summer camp. I had a pretty good time. Here are the most memorable moments.
Field Hand
Mr. C and I were running around town picking up items for the camp on Friday. One of the items on our list was tomatoes for the sandwiches. Right outside of Dothan, there is a little town called Slocum which is famous for its tasty tomatoes. By the way, they were actually really tasty.
It was about 1500 and the sun was out in full force. The relative humidity was about 70%. We pulled up to a farm with a vegetable stand. Mr. C told me that they used to sell 5 gallon buckets of maters for about $5. We looked around and finally inquired about purchasing a box of tomatoes. The cost was $20 per box. A quick glance at Mr. C's face told me that he wasn't interested in paying that much for tomatoes.
"Do you still have the 5 gallon bucket for $5?" he asked.
"Oh, no. That was a long time ago. But for $12 we can give you a bucket and you can pick all the tomatoes you want," the lady responded. I looked up at Mr. C and silently prepared to trudge out into the field like a migrant worker. "Oh wait. I might have a $12 box of tomatoes in the back. The price is reduced because they're ripe and need to be eaten within the next few days. Let me go check."
As she went into the storage area, I had a vision of myself picking a tomato out in the field, walking back to the truck, and holding the tomato up for Mr. C's approval. She returned with a box full of delicious looking tomatoes. Mr. C nodded in approval and said, "These are pretty nice. If we'd a had more time we would have gone out into the field. We just don't have the time. Maybe next year..." The way he said "we" made me realize that by "we" he meant he would have dropped me off to pick tomatoes while he ran some other errands. At any rate, I better remember to bring some gardening gloves next year.
Highlight of the Meeting
During lunch at the camp, the instructors had to have a meeting with the directors. Right in the middle of the meeting, we heard a muffled little voice ask, "What are they doing?" The response was a booming, "It's Super Secret Instructor Stuff!"
To my right I heard the chuckling of Big Red. Straight in front of me both Mr. Toy and Mr. C locked their eyes on me. The people on my left all turned to stare at me, too. The reason was that we all recognized the resonating tone of Babysteps' voice.
Puttin' on a Clinic
After the camp was over, many of us gathered in the Man's room to enjoy some adult beverages. We were having "Irish Car Bombs". The Admiral put on a clinic. Of all the people, she was the only one who was deft enough to drop her shot of Bailey's into her cup of Guiness without having to put her fingers in the cup to push the shot down. She then very smoothly chugged the elixir as if drinking a glass of water. I was impressed.
Babysteps Showcase
Last weekend seemed to be banner weekend for Babysteps. Almost everything he said or did turned into comedy gold.
A model of efficiency
Babysteps bought an electric pole saw to trim up some of the trees in his yard. I agreed to help him. His job was to cut the limbs from the tree and my job was to collect the limbs and then chop them up into Sanitation Worker friendly pieces (under 3' pieces). We started with the magnolia tree. After a short while the Admiral came outside to help, and she was relegated to collection duty as I got to chopping.
As I was hacking and slashing away with a kukri knife, Babysteps and the Admiral finished up. Babysteps detached the saw from the pole and sauntered up to me. He started spouting off quotes from various 20th century industrialists about efficiency and started cutting branches with the saw. "You see how much quicker this is?" he asked. As he was talking he started to saw another branch and at that moment I saw sparks shooting out of the saw.
At first I thought the branch had metal alloy in it and that we were under attack by transformers who could turn into trees. When the saw went completely dead, I realized that he had cut the extension cord with the saw. I immediately laughed. The most unfunny part is that he really could have been shocked to death. Then again, I think that makes it funnier.
END OF LINE
This post contains explicit language and discourse about the adult film industry. You've been warned.
Pr0n Titles
One of the drunken memories from my Vegas trip that have recently surfaced was my ability to turn normal movie titles into pr0n titles. It seems that about 20 years ago, a lot of the adult film makers would try to create pr0n versions of current blockbusters. Nowadays, only the "Movie Movie" people seem to do that (minus the pr0n).
The adult film industry now markets to specific groups and fetishes more than ever. The titles very explicitly explain the contents of the film to give the viewer a certain expectation. For example, if you were to purchase "Girls Who Crave Huge C*cks V", you can be pretty sure that you will see young women who possess an insatiable desire to pleasure men who have larger than average sized members. Most of the female "dialogue" will probably be very relevant to the title so the women will say things like, "Give me that huge c*ck!" or "I want your giant d*ck in my [select oriface here]!"
Gone now are the days when swarthy pr0n directors would get their performers to re-enact key scenes from the current blockbuster movies using no special effects and swapping various props like swords or guns for double-ended dildoes (sp?) or leather covered paddles. Oh, well. Here's some pr0n titles I've made up.* See if you can guess the movie.
*Similarities to actual pr0n titles are unintentional and completely coincidental.
Four Orgies and a Few Anal
Indiana Bone: Raiders of the Loose Crack
Indiana Bone: Temple of Poon
Indiana Bone: The Last Crude Babe
Indiana Bone: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull F*ck
Teenaged Massive Ninja Ta-Tas II: Secret of the Cooze
Butt Pirates of the Caribbean (Gay)
Shoot-out in Lickskillet Gulch (Western)
V for Vagina
The Porn Identity
Muffy the Vampyre Humper
The Skeettrix 2: Reloaded
Pr0n
END OF LINE
This recent Penny Arcade comic struck me as very funny:
The game of which they are speaking is the 4 person Multiplayer "Warlord" mode of the Wii game, Boom Blox. This game was released by EA and was partially developed by Steven Spielberg. This of course means that this game is probably very entertaining, but each sequel will be a little bit worse until the 4th one which will make no sense at all and will ruin the goodness of the previous three games.
At any rate, the objective in this mode of the game is to destroy the other players' castles. This will lead to temporary truces, outright treachery, and loads of fun. It reminds me of the 4 player "Balloon Mode" of Mario Kart 64. I used to play this with my old training partner, Ken, his common law wife, and the Prince of Sonic Darkness. Each person had 3 balloons and everytime they got hit by an item (or ran off the map) they would lose a balloon. The winner was the last man standing. The twist was that once you lost all your balloons you became a tiny bomb cart and you could slam into a remaining player and cause them to lose a balloon. If you got hit by an item as a bomb cart you would explode. We called it the "Vindictive Lil' Bomb Cart" because most of the time people sought revenge against the person who ousted them.
The group dynamic for the game was very tense. A lot of times it wasn't about who actually won but who the group didn't want to win. My character of choice was Luigi. I also had an uncanny ability to conjure up Stars which make you invincible at just the right moment. More often than not, I had the most wins in multiplayer. The reason for that is not because of my skill but because of my persuasive abilities and charisma. The biggest threat to me was Ken and if I could eliminate him, then victory would almost be assured. One thing I learned is that the dynamic only worked with 4 players. With 3 players, things easily became very one-sided, and my machinations would often be revealed. With 4, however, there was always someone who didn't quite know which way to pull and I could take advantage of that.
This used to infuriate Ken. I would always start the round gunning for him. If I hit him, he would be down a balloon and I would call to the other players to help eliminate him. If someone else got to him first, and he went after them, I would swoop in to support the harried player. Ken would always pick Mario, so I would use his character choice as a weapon against him. Someone was usually Yoshi so I would say, "That Mario. Who does he think he is? Just jumping on your back anytime he feels tired making you eat things or spit out turtle shells. It's oppressive is what it is!"
I think the thing that used to get Ken the most is at the end of every round the score was displayed and he would scream, "Oh! Look who has the most wins! Luigi! Stop helping him dammit! Why do you all come after me all the time? I'm not the threat! He is!" As the next round would start I would say, "Yes, its true that I have more wins, but who do you think would have those wins if not me? Him, of course. Would you rather I have the wins or him? He only seeks to oppress you further. I'm a man of the people."
"What the hell are you talking about, dude? This is Mario Kart for frak's sake!"
"You see how he acts?"
"Aaaaauuuugghhh!"
And it would go on like that for hours and hours. Occasionally, the other 3 would unite to try and take me down but my luck with the stars made the wife and the Prince realize that attacking me is useless and it is better to have me as an ally. I would lose from time to time due to running off the track or hitting a richocheted turtle shell. If both myself and Ken were gone, that meant they had a chance to win the match. Also, if they did succeed in actively trying to kill me, I would humbly accept my defeat and praise their accomplishments. "You guys are right. I'm getting a little too cocky. Your banana placement was most excellent."
One of the best "teamwork" kills of Ken happened on the map that is set on top of some buildings where you can fall to your death. Ken had eliminated player 3 mercilessly with 3 red turtle shells. Player 4 hit him with a red turtle shell. Just as he recovered from that player 3 rammed into him as the bomb cart. I then immediately plowed into him with my star. "Frak this game and Frak you, Luigi!" He actually threw his controller down and walked out of the room. The remaining 3 of us burst into laughter. We took a break and eventually Ken came back. He had calmed down, but we could still see he was pissed. "I just don't understand why you choose to keep on blasting me. It's obvious I suck at this game. Why not attack Picklez for a change?"
"The only reason you suck at this game is because we can't allow you to be good at it or you'll dominate us all," I said.
Ken laughed and then said, "Shut the frak up, man."
END OF LINE
Rib Night
I had a pretty exciting weekend. Tiny Tanks and Jade were in town for Pheaderation meeting on Thursday. I got a garbled transmission from BabySteps that night. Apparently, the Admiral wanted to do a live broadcast of several of the Enemy's songs including the Pheaderation Anthem.
On Friday night, BabySteps prepared more of his delicious ribs. He does a dry rub (and then he seasons the ribs!!!). It was pretty tasty. That night we watched Office Space and then the 3 of us played some Texas Hold 'Em. BabySteps walked away as the big winner.
Saturday morning, T.T., Jade, and myself went to the Southern Skillet for breakfast. It was tasty. Those two are a fun couple. I can see why Tiny Tanks and BabySteps are such good friends. I'm looking forward to the next time Alpha Squad might get together.
4th Edition
Sharapova did her black belt pre-test at the rec center Saturday morning. She did very well. We had to switch locations a number of times but it didn't affect her testing. After the test was over, we spent 20 minutes talking about D & D and the current release of 4th edition. I played D & D in middle school and in college. I'll have to say that it is a fun hobby. The problem is that it requires a group of 5 to 8 people to meet on a regular basis. That's fine for students living in their parents' house, but it as working adults it is nearly impossible.
I would really love to play D & D again, but there's no way I could ever commit to a group and meet every week. My schedule is too hectic between work, karate, and my other extra-curriculars (airsoft, bowling, golf [of which I haven't yet played this year]). I guess this is the appeal of the online MMORPGs. My problem is that the two best parts of role playing games are missing from these online games: 1) Use of imagination 2) Socializing
In an online game like WoW, you are confined to what the game company wants you to see/experience. Everything from how your character looks to the monsters they battle is controlled by someone else's imagination or the graphics card of your computer. With tabletop RPGs, you are only limited by your imagination. Your half-elven fighter looks exactly the way you want them too. You want to have a human mage with an extensive backstory and a horse sized member? You got it. There is also a lack of flexibility in online RPGs. Sure you can nerf things and if you have the skillz hack the game, but what's the fun in that? If you have a decent DM, you can think your way out of situations with complete flexibility. Getting thrown out of pub because your teammates are acting up? You don't have to fight or leave. Why not pretend not to speak the language? or pretend you don't know them? Being able to take these kinds of actions helps unfold the story in a different way or may even change the course of the game.
I think that your character has more room to grow and can be tempered more by their experiences much more like real life. Online avatars can only make surface changes like wearing new armor. You might change how you play after getting your ass kicked a couple of times, but in a table top game, you'll find that you'll change the personality of your character after a while. I had a fighter character that was pretty much just me set in a fantasy world. But after a few near death experiences and a stint of not being able to communicate with my party because a) my character's throat had been pierced and b) my character never learned to read (i.e. I didn't use skill points on that aspect). As time went on, I spent points on being able to read in the event of the same tragedy. The character had also lost an eye. Basically, I role played the character from a happy go lucky swordsman into a dark, brooding and wizened mercenary. I had another fighter character in a different game who was immensely powerful (18/85 strength) so he was pretty much a cocky a-hole. Another time I role played a "Chaotic Neutral" Cleric of Loki. This meant I could act completely randomly. Sometimes attacking my friends as well as the enemy. It was fun for me, but a pain in the ass for my other party members.
As for the second aspect that MMORPGs lack, "Socializing", many people will be quick to disagree with me. I'll just say this, there is a difference between people sitting around a table looking at each other and talking to one another versus yelling at people over a headset. The pace of an MMORPG also does not allow for chit chat or jokes or bathroom breaks. A traditional table top RPG allows you to take your time, think about what you want to do, exchange some witty reparte, and stop in the middle of the action to take a whiz. Even a strict DM will allow you to strategize on the fly and keep someone from doing something they shouldn't (like casting Fireball in the middle of a drought stricken forest).
I haven't checked the web to find out the major differences between the 4th ed. and it's predecessor, but I might take some time to do so. It doesn't really make a difference because I probably won't ever get to play it.
Fitting
After the pre-test, I went back to BabySteps house for a short break before I went for my tuxedo fitting for Hangtime and Overboard's upcoming nuptials. Before I left, BabySteps asked me if I was going to the Wrasslin' match. I told him, "Yes". Seeing as the outing wouldn't cost me anything. More on that later.
I got sized up and then afterwards, Hangtime, his Best Man - Wacky J, his daughter I, and I went to eat lunch. I is an adorable little one year old girl. She is 1/2 AZN and 1/2 Latina. She is all cute. She is also pretty violent for a 1 yr old. She reminded me a lot of my God-daughter S. She couldn't use words, but she talked up a storm.
Hangtime was trying to put together some post-fitting plans and asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was going to see some wrasslin'. I said, "Yeah. It's going to be a bunch of incredibly old dudes wrestling. I think the Midnight Express is going up against-"
"The Rock and Roll Express?" interrupted Hangtime. "Damn. I kind of want to see that."
Wrasslin' Match
Let me give you the run down of the event. Apparently, the NWA is the oldest professional wrestling organization in the company. They have diminished in power over the years. They still have their own stable of wrestlers (many of them trying to get into the larger organizations), but they are now trying to become historians for the profession. You can think of them as "The Watchers" from the Highlander Series. Many of the older wrestling stars used to be under the NWA. Recently, the NWA has created a "Hall of Fame" for various professional wrestlers. Their original plan was to rent out the Phillips arena and honor Ric "the Nature Boy" Flair with an induction into their Hall of Fame. An appearance by Flair would definitely put buttocks in seat chairs.
Initially, Flair agreed to appear at the event, but after WWE got wind of the fact that the NWA was going to be filming the event to sell on DVD, they put the screws on Flair telling him it would violate his contract with the WWE. Once Flair pulled out, ticket sales were non-existent so the NWA made it a free event so that the DVD wouldn't look too crummy.
One of BabySteps' old co-workers joined us. This guy was a true wrestling afficionado. He knew everybody who was performing at the event. He even showed up to the arena wearing a "Dusty Rhodes" baseball tee-shirt.
We were a little late so we came in during the tail end of a tag team match. After that they started inducting people into the hall of fame. There was an 88 year old guy named "Corsica Joe" who started wrestling in 1948. The Iron Sheik was there (he is crazy by the way). Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff gave a speech (he'll be inducted in 2009). Tommy Wildfire was inducted (he wrestled after the induction ceremony). The Midnight Express tag team of "Beautiful Bobby" and "Loverboy" Dennis were also inducted.
Wildfire vs. Abdullah "The Butcher"
This was not even a match. These two guys just circled the outside of the ring slamming each other into the guard rails. They also bloodied themselves up. I didn't enjoy this one iota. It was kind of sick. The dudes were moving very slowly and kind of doddering around. You could tell that they weren't really hitting each other that hard, but when they would come up with a "crimson mask" and you knew that they were cutting their foreheads with a razor. To be honest, if I want to see a 60+ year old man bleed on himself, I'll go to the local retirement home. Ugh.
Tag Team
X Pac and Blue Anonymous came out to battle another tag team. X Pac did his patented "Suck It" finisher. Meh. The thing I took away from that match is that if you get ring side seats there is a 96% chance you will get spat upon either intentionally or by accident. Gross.
Title Matches
Two junior heavyweights came out for a championship match. The challenger was a heel named Richie Vega and the other was a face named Don Quakenbush. I knew this would be a good match because Quackenbush was wearing a sleeveless underarmor shirt and some pants (NBA warm-up style pants) with lightning bolts on the side except the lightning bolts were done in a "tribal tat" style. It was very acrobatic although I think it went too long.
The next match was a championship tag team match. It was a 3 team bout between the face champions - some luchadores wearing masks, a team of rockers who looked like a roided up Warrant, and "The Real American Heroes" which was a pair of guys who looked like rednecks but wore blue trunks with a Capt. America shield on the backside. Their gimmick was to gyrate provocatively in their banana hammocks.
It was a long match and it was pretty close. The gyrating guys got eliminated first and the rockers would have won if the gyraters hadn't come back out to interfere with the match. The rockers almost got into another fight after they lost but cooler heads prevailed and they remained friends
Sid Vicious
He is a 6'10" 300lb. bruiser who beat the tar out of some tag team in a 2 on 1 match. People were going crazy for Sid because he is a name, but I thought the match was lame. He doesn't have any original moves. He just did the Hogan boot and the Undertaker Choke Slam and in a show of fine sportsmanship he pummeled the guys on a stretcher as the "paramedics" tried to take them out of the arena. Yay.
"Main Event"
The evening ended with a Hall of Fame match between the Midnight Express and the Rock and Roll Express. This was the whole reason BabySteps made the trip and he loved every minute of it. It's like they took one of their previous thousands of matches and replayed it for the crowd. Only it was much slower. The classic "mistaken identity" bit was in there as well as James Coronet hitting someone with a Tennis racket.
The match itself was dismal. Imagine if your overweight granddad took off his shirt squeezed into some lycra/spandex pants with his name on the butt, and did a few lap around the yard while the sprinkler was going. That was about the size of it. They moved. So. Incredibly. Slow. You could tell that they couldn't really take any falls or lift one another up so it was a lot of posturing and circling around the ring. I'm sure back in the day, they were the shizzle but seeing them that night was simply a fizzle.
Overall, it was a pretty interesting experience. It was certainly worth the price of admission.
END OF LINE
This post marks the exciting conclusion of our Vegas adventures. To be perfectly honest, I don't remember a lot of Saturday evening and I'm sure there are parts that I have left out.
Saturday
Up two hundy by 8:00 AM
Tiny Tanks and I got up early again and hit the California. I started the morning out with 2 White Russians and a $90 loss in Craps. I told T.T. that I was going to take my $10 and try my luck at Blackjack. I have a love/hate relationship with that game. My biggest problem with it isn't the losing aspect. It's the fact that it feels like the casino is giving you the finger everytime you lose. With Craps, Roulette, and other table games you can pretend that blind luck is the driving factor of your loss because the fact that the casino holds the best odds is hidden in the way they structure the game. Blackjack is different. The casino is actively trying to defeat you. For example, I might have a 20 but the dealer is showing a 6. You would think this is a lock, but it isn't. When the dealer flips their hidden card it is King. "Boo Yah! Sixteen!" you say to yourself. The dealer is forced to take a hit and then gets a 5 to total 21. You lose. To quote CJ from GTA: San Andreas, "F you and yo casino!" I found that this particular weekend, everytime (except once) I had a 20 the dealer got a blackjack or hit to 21.
At any rate, I took my two $5 chips and sat at a table with three other Hawaiians. There was a husband/wife duo and another guy. I ordered another White Russian and anticipated a very quick loss of my remaining $10 in gambling money for the day. I was already hammered so when my cards came to me I had trouble adding them up. In addition to that, there were all kinds of crazy rules I'd never seen at blackjack. It was two deck 21 which meant that they only used two decks of cards rather than the 5 - 10 decks with the automatic shuffler. They dealt the cards to the players face down. Normally, they just deal them to you face up. I think this is to keep people from counting cards. This meant that you could only have one hand on the table at a time. You also couldn't bend the cards to look at them (Texas Hold 'em style). If you wanted to hit you would lightly brush the table with the cards instead of tapping the table. When you wanted to stay, you just slid your cards under your bet. The lady next to me was reading my cards for me and telling me what to do. The next thing I knew, I was winning.
The husband was a hilarious guy. He kept pretending to yell in Chinese when he lost. The pit boss would come over and joke around with us, too. I got a call from BabySteps mid-hand. I stepped away from the table and very quickly said, "California. BlackJack. Bye." I won that hand. Whenever the dealer had to hit and they wanted her to bust they would alternately yell either "Picture!" or "Monkey!" I understood about the "Picture", but I didn't understand "Monkey". The husband explained that it was started by the Chinese patrons of the casino. Apparently, they have a similar type of game in China and the face cards have monkeys on them or something so they would yell, "Monkey!"
BabySteps arrived eventually and he and Tiny Tanks stood behind me and watched me play for a while. I know that I was up at least $200 from my original $10 and they were both utterly amazed. My only regret was that one of them didn't ask me for some chips to hold aside. I started sobering up and then began to start losing. I left the table but I had had an incredible time. Apparently, I had been sitting there for 2 or 3 hours.
Spam, Eggs, and Rice
I linked back up with BabySteps and Tiny Tanks and informed them that all that Blackjack had aroused a powerful hunger. I told them that I didn't want the buffett because I knew the "Aloha Specialties" restaurant on the 2nd floor was open. This meant that I could order some kind of meal in which Spam was involved. BabySteps kept asking if they had anywhere that served "American" food. I informed him that in 1951 Hawaii was officially added as the 50th state thereby making Hawaiian food "American".
I had talked up the Spam Musubi to Tiny Tanks and he was chomping at the bit for one. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that he loved fried Spam and also enjoyed dried seaweed ("nori" to the Japanese). He said that when he was a kid he used to eat the seaweed straight out of the package. I ordered the spam, eggs, and rice plate and two spam musubis. Tiny Tanks stuck with just two Spam Musubis, and BabySteps ordered his favorite mixed plate: Loco Moco (it consists of two fried eggs, a hamburger pattie, and rice covered in brown gravy).
Fried Twinkie
After our very satisfying breakfast, Tiny Tanks and BabySteps went back down to the craps table. I watched them and drank a Black Russian as I watched. Eventually, we left the table and headed back to the street. It was at this time I told them that I wanted to have a fried twinkie. They both thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. The place that served them was called "Mermaids". Its basically a little slot place but they have chicks dressed up like Carmen Miranda outside enticing people to come in and gamble. They also give out beads and free drink coupons as well as entry tickets for a chance to win $10,000.
I ordered three twinkies and observed the cooking process. The lady got the twinkies out of a refridgerator, unwrapped them, stuck a stick into them, dipped them in batter, and then set them in hot oil. It took about 3 minutes for them to cook. She then took them out of the fryer and liberally sprinkled them with powdered sugar and chocolate sprinkles. To be honest, it looked disgusting but it tasted mighty fine.
3-5 year old Tee League of Poker
At noon there was a Poker tournament at Fitzgerald's. I wanted to enter it. We went up to the poker room to inquire about it. It was a $35 buy in for 1500 worth of chips. At any time during the first hour, you could buy another 1000 in chips for $15 but you could only do this once. The blinds would raise every 20 minutes. At the end of the 1st hour there would be a break and if you had any chips remaining, you could do a "Add on" for $15 for an additional 1500 in chips. I decided that once I was out, I was out.
I had about an hour before the tournament would start so we went back up to the room. To practice, BabySteps and Tiny Tanks played some hands with me. I convinced them to also sign up for the tournament. The way we figured it, for $35 we would get a couple of free drinks, be occupied for an hour, and be able to say we were in a poker tournament in Vegas. BabySteps was really concerned about looking like an idiot and not betting when he was supposed to and what not. The dealer sat down with us and explained the flow of play. After that short lesson, some old dude stood there and talked to us about the tournament.
After about 2 minutes, it was apparent to me that he was sizing us up. I was starting to lose my buzz and I didn't give a whore's pubic hair about this guy's illustrious poker past. He was talking about hands he had played with the same passion that Mr. Tur would talk about a full contact fight. The problem is that describing a poker hand is like performing Shakespeare's MacBeth to the stuffed animals in your room - it's falling on deaf ears, nobody cares, and people's eyes glaze over like shiny plastic buttons. We somehow got away from the guy. I think I said, "Guys, I don't mean to break up the party, but I've got to make a like a dealer and drop down a deuce." Maybe I didn't say that, but I wanted to say it.
The tournament itself went OK. For my first poker tournament, I think I did all right. I wussed out on a few hands I should have played but I lasted about an hour. On my final hand I got screwed on the river. Basically, I was the big blind and I had the terrific cards of 3 and 8. The flop was 8, 6, 3. I called a $300 bet on that go round and the next card was a 2. I bet aggressively and made one guy quit. The other guy raised and I had to go "All in" to call his bet. I figured he must have had a pair of 6s or pocket kings or something. We flipped over our cards and he had a 10 and a 7. At this point I thought I had won. The final card was a frakking 9. The dude had been unbelievably lucky. I got up and left.
BabySteps and I played at the same table so I went over to where Tiny Tanks was to watch him play. He went out on that very hand. I also learned that he bought into the tournament to get another 1000. It made me feel better because that meant that I wasn't the first of our group to be put out of the running.
The Cards Don't Lie
We eventually had dinner (Fitzgerald all you can eat buffet w/ Prime rib). It was a far cry from the Lawry's Prime Rib. At the buffet, I saw some douchebaggery that made me want to cave in a dude's face. Basically, they had a sign that said "Sausage and Peppers" on the buffet. It wasn't a traditional sausage and peppers dish with big Italian sausages and bell peppers. It was a mix of tomatoes, cut pieces of sausage, onions, and peppers. The guy went up to the buffet and said, "This isn't 'Sausage and Peppers'!"
The chef replied, "It has sausage in it, but-" The guy stormed off before the chef could finish. "Sir? We can make sausage and peppers for you if you want it. It's no problem. Sir?"
"If you put a sign saying 'Sausage and Peppers' you should damn well have 'Sausage and Peppers'! Just forget it!" the guy fired back.
"Sir, why get upset when we can get you exactly what you want? It'll only take us a few minutes." The guy angrily sat down and his table and started eating. I looked at chef and shrugged my shoulders. I also gave the chef my room number in case the guy complained to the management. It was my opinion that they did everything they could to please the guy, but he was a dickweed.
After dinner we headed back to the California for more gambling. Tiny Tanks decided to try Blackjack. We walked around the tables and I told him that I needed to find a vibe. There was an older Japanese lady dealer who smiled when she heard me say that so I sat down at her table. Tiny Tanks sat down beside me and whipped out his pocket strategy guide. He asked the dealer if it was OK to use it and the Pit Boss said it was alright as long as he didn't slow down the play of the game. We cashed in for $40 each. We played a few hands and a young guy joined us. He also cashed in for $40.
Tiny Tanks was driving me crazy with his strategy guide. At one point he sat and stared at it for a long time. I told him to show me his cards. He had a 19. I said, "Dude, it's a 19. You stay on that no matter what the dealer has. You don't need the damn strategy card for an 18, 19, or 20." I also told him that you split two 8's or two Aces, and you double down on 10 or 11, but only if the dealer is showing a 6 or less and never get insurance. The rest of the time you play intuitively and watch the cards that come up for other players.
At any rate, he was up at one point and I was up then down to my last chip and then I eventually got up again by $10. During the course of play I had a few funny moments. I had a 16 and I asked the dealer to give me a five. She then said, "Well what kind do you want? Heart, diamond, spade, or club?"
"5 of clubs, please." The dealer turned over the card and by gum it was a 5 of clubs. Everyone at the table yelled in approval. I said, "I'm sure this lady has seen some crazy stuff in her time, but I know that she'll be talking about this in the break room."
Later on, I had a 15 and asked the dealer for a 6 of diamonds. The 10 of diamonds came up. The young guy said, "Hey, at least it's a diamond."
"Yeah. Apparently, I'm only psychic 50% of the time!" That broke up everyone at the table.
In another hand I got a 20 (the hand of doom for me) and the dealer showed an ace. She asked us for insurance and we all declined. None of us were getting cards so she flipped hers over and we all thought she had the blackjack. She in fact had a 19. She flipped over our cards and we each had 20. That was weird.
The Drunk Get Drunker
We must have sat at the BlackJack table for about an hour. BabySteps excitedly showed us the $2.50 he won playing video poker. I had had a few more drinks and since I had been drinking all day, the effects were visibly apparent. We went back outside and got roped into Mermaids by a free drink and some beads. For some reason, I forwent my normal White Russian and got a Crown and Coke. BabySteps got the same, but Tiny Tanks ordered a Crown and Sprite.
These drinks were on the stiff side. I vaguely remember drinking the first one and then ordering another one. I also vaguely remember chatting with one of the mermaid girls outside with Tiny Tanks. Most everything else started to become a blur. I do remember talking to an extremely drunk gal after one of the light shows on Fremont Street. She was yelling so I clinked glasses with her in a celabratory fashion. She had two drinks in her hand and she spilled a lot of one of her drinks. Out of politeness and concern for her safety, I warned her not to slip. She responded by saying, "I don't give a Frak!!"
"Would you give two Fraks?" I inquired.
"I don't give two Fraks! I will frakking punch you out!" It was at this point that her friend intervened saying that she was a violent drunk. Tiny Tanks said that she wouldn't punch me with two drinks in her hand to which the drunk girl responded that she would sure as hell pour them on us. We backed away slowly. The funniest part of this story is that I didn't remember any of that until we were taxiing down the runway for the trip home.
The Girls of Glitter Gulch
Right next door to Mermaids is a topless bar with the above namesake. They have two very attractive ladies trying to get people to go inside. I was talking to one girl and I said, "Topless? Oh, I don't think my mother would approve of that!"
"Well, your mother's not here. You're a big boy, you can make your own decisions."
"No, ma'am. I'm only 5 foot 2 inches. I'm a very small boy." She thought that was pretty humorous.
The Dancing Machine
Anyone who knows me is aware that I like to dance. I'm not very good at it, but I do enjoy dancing. Apparently, when I am drunk, dancing is my preferred method of ambulatory travel. My favorite dance is the Robot. The Mermaids gals got a kick out my moves and were throwing me beads.
At the entrance to our hotel there was an older lady dancing to the live band. According to BabySteps I kind of danced up to her and we started dancing together. He then said that about every 5 seconds the dance got a little dirtier. It ended up with the lady very nearly rubbing her buttocks on my crotch. The song ended and as we headed inside, BabySteps reported that I said, "I think she was a cougar."
Sunday
Little Rascal
The next morning was pretty uneventful. I played a little more blackjack at the California and lost $20. We also had breakfast at the California buffet again compliments of Tiny Tanks getting a comp from the Craps table pit boss. BabySteps felt that he got the minimum "Get this guy the hell out of my face" comp.
When we returned to the Fitzgerald, Tiny Tanks and I were nearly run down by a guy on a Rascal scooter. He zoomed past us and crashed into a garbage can. He then reached into it and pulled out a beer bottle. Two security guards were close behind him. As they escorted him out of the casino, he broke the bottle against a slot machine and challenged them to a Thai rules ring of fire match. I'll have to say that if the guy had hit me with his rascal I probably would have leveled him irregardless of his urban outdoorsman status. I was actually kind of surprised they didn't stomp a mudhole in his ass after he broke that bottle.
The War Continues
I thought that landing in the ATL would have marked a cessation of hostilities, but old Truce Breaker was up to his old tricks again. I never surrendered but I would certainly argue that BabySteps fared much better than me. As he put it, "Your first mistake was letting me have the bed by the air conditioner. If you control the air conditioner you control the flow of battle. The Greeks knew it. The Romans knew it. And now you know it."
As we awaited pick up from the Admiral outside the airport. BabySteps blatantly ignored the the cease fire and violated the 5 step rule and unleashed a bomb that caused Tiny Tanks and myself to move over about 15 feet to the left. It was then I knew that the War was still on and that there would be no peace.
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Friday
The previous evening Tiny Tanks and I agreed to meet up at 0600 local time. I woke up at about 0445 local and decided to get up and shower. My intention was to go down to the casino for a bit and then come back up and meet with Tiny Tanks. On a whim I knocked on his door and to my surprise he answered. We hit the streets at about 0500. It was eerily quiet under the Fremont Street canopy. An occasional urban outdoorsman would shuffle by us, but that was about it.
We headed over to the California and ended up gambling at the craps table. I got the dice in my hand and had a hot streak. When we left the table, I cashed out with $183. That meant I was now only down $17 from the night before. We walked from casino to casino joining their "Player's" club and looking for "Double Exposure" Blackjack. If you've never heard of it, it is a variation of Blackjack in which the player gets to see the cards of the dealer. The downside is that blackjack's only pay 2 for 1 and the dealer wins all ties. The odds are incredibly in the favor of the player which is why we never found it.
Breakfast of Champions
Tiny Tanks and I ended up at the Plaza. We walked over to the craps table and about 10 seconds later a waitress asked us for our drink order. I was a little bit stunned at the quick service since we usually had to play for about 10 minutes before anyone would come by. I ordered a "White Russian". I believe the contents are milk, vodka, and kahlua. The drink itself was a little weak and tasted more like milk on ice. We played long enough for me to order a second one. Tiny Tanks was on his second beer when we left. The highlight of the morning was when we were joking around with the dealers at the craps table. We had a male croupier (stickman), male boxperson, a male dealer at the opposite end of the table and our dealer who was a Chinese lady.
On occasion, Tiny Tanks would throw out some one dollar chips and yell, "Hardways for the boys!" This indicated a one dollar bet on the 4, 6, 8, and 10 the "hard way" i.e. double 2's, 3's, 4's, and 5's. After the second time doing that he would say, "Hardways for the boys...and lady". The lady would then proceed to giggle. When the waitress came by and took our second drink order, I asked for another White Russian. The dealer looked at me and said, "It a little early for drink so hard."
"What?!" I responded. "This is the 'Breakfast of Champions'. Put some corn flakes in the glass and I'm ready to go. Licquor is the cornerstone of any healthy breakfast. That and bacon..." The dealer responded by giggling again.
We left the Plaza significantly poorer but we had a nice buzz. Tiny Tanks was very concerned about leaving with his beer and so right before we left he asked the bartender for a plastic cup. He informed us that it is legal in Las Vegas to walk around with an open container. Upon hearing this, Tiny Tanks said, "That is sooooo awesome!" I think he would have "air guitared" if he didn't have a drink in his hand. It was now about 0730 and we decided to head back to the hotel so that he could take his medicine and to wake up BabySteps so we could get breakfast.
Mall of the Gods
After waking BabySteps, we headed over to the California for breakfast. We ended up eating at the buffet because the spam musubi place wasn't open until 0900. The buffet was really good. They had rice and Portuguese sausage on the buffet. There wasn't any spam on the buffet, but the sausage was a good substitute. BabySteps ate approximately 1/10th his weight in bacon.
We decided to get an all day pass for the bus. Affectionately called, "The Deuce". It basically runs up and down the strip from Downtown. Tiny Tanks wanted to go to Caesar's Palace and look around. The first Duece trip was pretty painful. It was unbelieveably slow. The other problem that I had was that we were on the top part of the bus and there were plenty of empty seats, but for about 1/2 the ride, BabySteps felt he had to sit right next to me.
Don't misunderstand me. I don't have a problem sitting next to other men or anything. Its just that I was starting to lose my buzz and we were both wearing shorts which meant his hairy leg kept rubbing up against mine. Uggh. He seemed a little insulted when I asked him to move. "The Admiral doesn't complain when I sit next to her this close," he argued.
"The Admiral is married to you. Also, unlike the Admiral, I'm a man and you'll have to excuse me if as a man, I don't like the idea of another man's big hairy hamhock rubbing up against me!"
We eventually made it to our destination. We ended up walking around the mall and watching one of the crazy animatronic shows at one of the fountains. All in all it was a "meh". It was nice to be indoors out of the sun, and we went by the F.A.O. Schwartz, but they have since removed the little $10,000.00 toy sports cars. Those things were off the chain. They had gas engines, sound systems, and the Humvee had a GPS in it. I wanted to show them that stuff, but they got rid of them.
I Prefer the Street
Once we got outside, the call of their dark lord beckoned them across the street. I decided to stand outside while they went into the Margaritaville Retail Outlet and Re-Education Center. Knowing the crafty ways of my enemy, I stood in the shade outside of the doors. I was still forced to listen to his "music", but I focused my mind on the voice on the PA system of the casino next door.
After about 20 minutes, Tiny Tanks and BabySteps emerged from the Margaritaville and we decided to catch the Deuce back home. In search of the bus stop we went past the casino next door and I was greeted by 2 surprises. First, the voice over the PA was not a recording. It was, in fact, a live person talking non-stop with a microphone near the door of the casino. Second, said person was a midget dressed in a shamrock button down shirt and green shorts. The name of the casino was "O'Shea's" so I guess they had a leprechaun thing going on for him. The really weird thing is that I was only about 4" taller than him.
Desert Race
We were having difficulty locating the bus stops so we must have actually walked about a mile before we actually saw a bus stop. We noticed the bus was about 1/2 a block behind us. I told the guys that we were going to have to run to meet the bus at the next stop. I broke into a sprint and they broke into laughter. They still made it to the bus despite their sluggardly pace. They said I looked like the terminator going after Sarah Conner. I corrected them stating that the Arnold terminator, or T-800, never ran. It was the Robert Patrick, T-1000, that was after John Conner that was the runner.
Attacked!
We decided to take a short nap before catching a cab to dinner. I fell asleep watching TBS. At some point, BabySteps had woken up and headed over to Tiny Tanks' room. I woke up when he returned because he made quite a racket setting up the ironing board in front of my bed. As I returned to consciousness, I heard BabySteps say: "First, let me say that 'King of Queens' is a terrible show. And I'll tell you something else, [insert flatulence noise here]"
The stench was incredible. I was already having trouble opening my eyes. A lot of times, when I take a nap, I have a hard time getting my eyes to open up fully. Thanks to BabySteps, I couldn't breathe. Pulling the covers over my head didn't help. In a panic, my mind recalled my elementary school fire drill training. "The cleaner air is near the floor!" a faceless fireman exclaimed. I rolled off the bed and took a breath. It was still smelly but at least I could breath without gagging.
Dinner of Kings
We took a surprisingly short and inexpensive ($19.50) cab ride to Lawry's. Just to let you know, this is a restaurant that spawned the creation of the famous spice/condiment company. They mainly serve two things: Prime Rib and a Prime Rib dining experience a person will never forget. When I say, "Prime Rib" I'm not taking this lightly. It is by far the only place in the world that truly serves Prime Rib. It's just that good.
They start you out with some delicious, fresh baked sour dough bread and then give you an unbelievably tasty salad. You then choose your cut of Prime Rib. They cut it right at the table. It is very tasty. They give you a Yorkshire pudding to soak up the o'jue also. I'm ruined now. I'll never be able to eat prime rib without comparing it to the Prime Rib.
Ride of the Plebians
We had a short walk back to the strip and we found a bus stop right in front of the Margaritaville Retail Outlet and Re-Education Center. The first bus pulled up and was packed to the gills so we waited for the next one. We boarded the second bus and headed to the top section. All in all we had waited about 15 minutes for the Deuce. Apparently we had the most hilarious bus driver in the city transit system. He would lie to people about how full we were so that we wouldn't have to cram together.
He would also make hilarious statements over the intercom:
"Where are you going? (muffled response) Why the hell would you want to go there?"
"Look at this dumb ass pulling out in front of me. Oops! You didn't hear me say that!"
"We're gonna hit that silver car."
(Passenger asking when his stop is coming.) "You're a little slow aren't you? I already told you. You'll know when your stop comes up when the door opens."
"Please be aware, I am now closing the doors. I only say that for insurance purposes because I'll drag your ass a block and a half."
"Anyone need to get off at this next stop? No. Good, because I'm just gonna blow by these bastards who are waiting. (After passing them) Whoa, they look upset."
"Everyone hang on there's a real sharp turn coming up. I've had this bus up on two wheels before, but that was right before I flipped it."
"Next stop is the Fremont Street Experience! There's live bands and street performers. Make sure to stay under the canopy. Stay in the light and you'll be safe! I'm serious."
"Fremont experience! Everybody out! No, I'm serious. My next stop is the bus depot and you don't want to go there. Trust me."
Next Post... Up two hundy by 8:00am; Spam, Eggs, and Rice; Fried Twinkie; 3-5 Year Old Tee League of Poker; The Cards Don't Lie; The Drunk Get Drunker; The Girls of Glitter Gulch; The Dancing Machine; Little Rascal
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Just a warning, there are alot of references to the 1996 movie, "Swingers". Another warning, I did a lot of stuff very uncharacteristic of me. In my mind, I just kind of cut loose and pretended not to be me. No, I didn't start listening to Buffett songs (on purpose) and supporting the Margaritaville (TM) war machine, but I did drink a lot of liquor. A LOT.
Thursday
I left work early, finished packing, and headed over to BabySteps where Tiny Tanks (formerly Kenji) was already waiting. We then went to Publix and I bought a pair of CHEAP sunglasses because I didn't want to accidentally lose my Wiley X glasses.
The Admiral dropped us off at the MARTA station at about 17:15 and we were on our way. For the record, I don't like MARTA. I think they've made some improvements over the years, but I'm still not a fan of the service and only take it when I absolutely have to do so. The biggest problem is that it doesn't really go anywhere and it's more efficient to drive straight to your destination rather than try to get on the train. On the ride down to the airport, BabySteps and Tiny Tanks regaled me with stories from their halcyon youth. In other words they told me stories about all the drunk people in their college dorm. I was amused.
Evening meal
We decided to eat some Wendy's before going through security. I had the chili (ammunition for my ongoing war with BabySteps) while BabySteps had the spicy chicken sandwich with a baked potato. The highlight of the meal was when BabySteps was attempting to open his sour cream packet for his potato. This resulted in a self-induced sour cream splatter across his belly. He yelped in surprise and I looked over and said, "Boy, that hardly ever happens..." Tiny Tanks was amused to no end.
Truce Breaker
If the Lakota had a name for BabySteps it would be the one listed above. Here is an account of the event as told by a Lakota brave: "In the giant metal bird close to the land of sparkling light, Truce Breaker sent a smoke signal secretly above the plains. The air was foul with the smell of his betrayal. We caught the scent of the wind but were not sure until the villagers behind us spoke..."
Here's what happened. BabySteps "eased off a little pressure' in the hopes that it would go unnoticed. I caught a whiff of it but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt since he said that the plane would be a neutral zone. I heard the guy behind me go, "Ooof!" He must have signaled his friend because I heard the guy next to him say, "What? Ugghh!" I then looked at BabySteps and said, "You broke the truce didn't you." BabySteps responded by laughing. "You bastard!"
Happy Landings
The Wendy's chili worked against me and the last 20 minutes of the plane ride were miserable for me, but I was determined to keep my discipline. The chili had done its job too well. I had a WGS (Wet Garbage Special - Special Ordinance G187), but the chili had turned my insides into liquid heat. Any expellation of gas would result in the soiling of my drawers.
We got to the hotel without too much trouble but we hit some traffic on the freeway and our normally $25.00 cab ride turned into a $31.00 one. We checked in and decided to let Tiny Tanks have a room to himself so that he wouldn't get caught up in the war.
Picture perfect
We decided to do a little gambling before boarding the train to Sleepytown. When we got to the room, BabySteps claimed the bed next to the AC and then proceeded to bomb me. I then went into the bathroom and shellacked the toilet. Tiny Tanks came into our room and said, "Dudes, it stinks in here!" BabySteps then decided to have a sit down and while he was in the throne room, I noticed his phone was unguarded. I then snapped a picture of my fellas and set it as the photo ID for one of the Admiral's numbers. I later changed it to his wall paper because I realized that the number I set it too was really old.
Down $100 in about 1 minute
We played a little bit of craps at the Fitzgerald, but since our luck wasn't good we walked over to the California. The rumors about that hotel/casino are true. It is filled with AZNs and Hawaiians. Our luck wasn't any better and I was already down $100 and had only gambled about 10 total minutes. We went to bed and called it a night.
Next Post... Breakfast of Champions, Mall of the Gods, I Prefer the Street, Desert Race, Attacked!, Dinner of Kings, Ride of the Plebians
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More pictures of my God daughter/niece:
My sister is becoming a pretty good photographer, in my opinion.
I call the first photo, "Anguish". I really like the way it captures S mid cry.
I call the second photo, "Cheeeeese". It looks like S is starting to learn simple commands/responses. That's cool.
The third photo I call "Oh, no you DI' INT!" It's a funny photo. Again, the timing is really good, but I think the focus is off a tad.
All in all, I'm pretty impressed with a lot of my sister's photographs. She seems to have good instincts and timing when it comes to photos.
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