Burden where I used to find pleasure
I've been struggling for weeks whether or not to write this blog, but honestly, no harm no foul.
For the past 4 or 5 years or so, I looked forward to "tournament season". Working on a kata to near perfection and making people sweat at the thought of being in the same division, being faster in "tag" (point sparring), and displaying that size is, in fact, not an advantage when it comes to fighting and all of the kudos etc that go along with competing.
For some reason, this year, I just don't care.
I am smack in the middle of planning a wedding, I'm a shodan now, which means, it's an "x" man race to third of fourth place, behind all of the third and fourth degrees in my division (luckily, Picklez and Latino Heat are getting old and will be moving up in a year or two O-: --yea, I went there), and my focus as far as karate goes is on making sure other students are doing their best. I am so totally unmotivated about competition, that it's sickening to me. Pressure has nothing to do with it; I don't feel any, but I don't have the "killer instinct" that (I think) I'm known for. I even seriously suggested purposely dropping my weapon, for the sake of not having to do the kata. Fight training is not as fun as it was in the past, nor is it a priority to me. I don't know if it's the wedding, the rank, being burnt out at the thought of competing, knowing I'm out matched or what, but if it's down to waking up @ 5am to train or sleeping in, I'm sleeping in.
This lack of motivation isn't across the board in terms of training, I'm very motivated by testing in January, and even more so than normal because Overboard and I will be Mr. and Mrs. Hangtime, and she's aiming to be ready to test then too. I just can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's that my focus is on the wedding, and in September, I'm going to want to hit the ground running for November (Dothan), but I can't say...I just don't know.
Fighting Knockdown in July is not going to happen, and fighting Semi is just not as...sexy...to me any more --> am I going to fight Semi, who knows; am I seriously going to train for it, nope. No desire to.
In closing, I guess this was just to get it off of my chest. Overboard and I have talked about it before; I think she finds it kind of odd too. She shrugged it off, but I could kinda tell by the look on her face she found it weird. I guess we'll see what happens September 1...after the honeymoon.
-HT
Comments
My 2 cents, since you love it so much. =)
I think your focus has shifted recently. Yes the actual wedding has something to do with it, but you're also on a homeowners associaion board, picked up a new hobby, getting married and will soon be starting a family. Our social circles are expanding, and quite frankly, you and I both have a lot of s*** to do. You also mentioned wanting to go to grad school which you know will not allow you to go to class as much if ever. It's also easier to get burnt out after you get your black belt (in my opinion) partly to do with the fact that your focus while in class is not on improving yourself but on helping others. Yes, you helped out as a kyu grade, as did I, but it's a different feeling as a black belt. Call it "shodan syndrome" if you will. We hardly have enough time for each other it seems, much less putting loads of time into tournament preparation.
Also, it's not a lack of love for karate, it's just toward competition; which in and of itself is mind-boggling because I have such a competitive streak...
Karate has no off season and it is difficult (impossible?) to always be focused and highly motivated every year.
The only thing that you can really do is to attend events, classes, functions when you can and give it your best effort... Which, of course, you already do.
BTW: I hope to be with you guys next January / February, but I've got a long way to go
I understand what you're talking about. Here's the question you have to ask yourself: Do you want to be just another one of those "flash-in-the-pan-could-have-been-great-whatever-happened-to-him" black belts or do you want to be a "legend"? Competition isn't the only road to legendary status, but it is one of the better ones and all it doesn't require you to do much more than what you're already doing. Practice your kata, then perform it. To quote Mr. Miyagi, "Win. Lose. No matter. You make good fight. You get good respect."
Most everyone knows that I am SO over competing, but they also know that if they ask me to do it, I will without hesitation. The majority of my reputation is built on the idea that I will do whatever is asked of me, but I'll never be a "Legend". I'll always be that guy that loads the trailer. People don't talk about any of my fights or kata performances simply because they aren't very good. Believe me, no one is ever going to say, "Hey, do you remember the time Picklez loaded the trailer by himself in 104 degree heat?"
You, however, have the potential to make your karate memorable. Don't let that go to your head, but I'm telling you it's true. You should take all the opportunities you can get to put that great martial arts skill out there and etch it into the memories of everyone in the audience. I'm looking forward to competing with/against you because I know I'll have to push my skill to the very limit to beat you and if you defeat me, everyone in class will remember that. Believe me. And that's how legends are born.
Picklez, in reference to being flash-in-the-pan or "Legend" the answer is, right now, I don't care. In my opinion, I can show off my karate and have people think it's good in a class, at a camp or at a competition; does that mean I will be motivated to compete? No. I look at it this way, I have had several black belts comment on my karate (in terms of kata, at least), and very little of it has been after/during a tournament. Most karate-ka in our dojo haven't been to out of town events, and most (closer to all) higher ranks are busy at tournaments. If my karate stands out to them, it's not from a tournament, it's from camps and work outs, so the point is moot.
I completely understand your feelings. I was just trying to motivate you. If you don't care anymore, then neither do I.